Flourish & Thrive

I’m Still Standing

I Fell Apart, But I Survived

I’m Still Standing….

In my post Meltdowns and Wobbles I shared part of my story, a very difficult chapter in my life. I had just received news that left me “off balance” and I was struggling to work out how to move forward.

I was trying with all my might to keep upright. I filled my time with everything I could to power through this difficult time, but I have to confess, I fell apart.

This was a collapse I didn’t see coming. It hit with the force of a tidal wave and I was completely swept away into the depths of despair yet again.

This time a new emotion reigned, one which I’m not familiar with; and had not expected. RAGE!

I don’t think I have ever felt anything like this rage inside. I didn’t know what to do with the emotion. I tried to push it down and ignore it, but that just made me feel worse until I found myself sitting in the dead of night with a knife in my hand and tears streaming down my face.

This is when I knew I had to get help and fast. I got an emergency appointment with the Mental Health Team and was referred to the Crisis Response Team the same day. Sitting in the waiting room I thought how did I get here again?

And all the old thoughts were once again taunting me. You’re useless! You’re stupid! You’re always going to have a meltdown when the going gets tough because you’re weak and pathetic!

Have you ever felt this way? Those negative thoughts bombarding you again and again. It’s such a fight to stop them swallowing you up and spitting you out.

It’s a very frightening experience when all you can hear in your head is those nasty naysayers. Needless to say, I went to bed for some time, my go to response to get away from the demons in my head and the poison they were spreading.

Thankfully, I have some wonderful family and friends who support me through these tough times and all I can say is Thank You!

One particular friend Michelle Edgar runs a group in Coleraine for anyone with mental health difficulties, addictions or any kind of crisis. I went to visit Michelle at Butterfly Survivors. I looked like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards and was just about able to stand, but Michelle was so supportive as she explained that anger is a natural response to the trauma I had been through. I began to realise that I had to let this rage out.

Michelle provided such a safe space for me to let go, and boy did I let those feelings out. The screams that came out of me were ear piercing and felt like they came from the depths of my soul. But they were absolutely necessary for me to vent the anger and rage I felt inside. I had to release it. It felt like I had to let this frustration out or I would die.

It’s now been about six weeks from this experience and I’m in a much better place. I’m so grateful for the love and support I’ve received. I’m back on my feet again and ready to move on.

I just want to encourage anyone reading this who is struggling. Talk to someone and let them know how you’re feeling. Don’t try to walk this journey on your own. It’s much better to share the dark times with people who care and love you and can pull you through when you feel you can’t go on. All my love, Pamela.


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